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[14 Mar 2009|09:23pm] |
Spent the night thus far hanging out with my mom, eating pizza and watching 'under a tuscan sun'. It's been rather enjoyable. My dad is in Vegas for a conference. Things are alright here. I'm living with my parents, which is somewhere to live, so it works out. And it's really not so bad. Business has picked back up at the Wildhorse, so i've been picking up shifts. It's exhausting working 8 hours at one job to go work 8 hours at another, but the money's nice and i really miss that job. i miss the people, i miss the work, i miss the atmosphere, so it's nice to have a little of that back. Aside from that, everything is more or less boring here. I'm currently trying to understand how a man can be brave enough to cheat on his wife, but still be terrified to death of her. Let me rephrase, I'm currently trying not to think about that because i don't know what i want from the situation, aside from him to be happy, and trying to riddle out his motivation is going to do nothing but drive me insane. But, eh, pink elephants, what can you do? I have had a lot of reading time lately. Finished Sartre today, Vonnegut's next, then Dostoevsky, who knows after that. I'm always up for suggestions, though.
And i suppose that's all here. I swear emails are forthcoming. Love to all and i'm offski...
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[01 Mar 2009|07:21pm] |
So life is at an interesting point right now. After almost two years of being content with where i was, not quite yet ready to move on, I've become restless and panicky and a bit dissatisfied.... wow, maybe i shouldn't write this. i sound whiny, i don't mean to. I've changed a lot in the past two years. I've taken on a zen way of life, living each moment as it comes, enjoying all of them as much as I can. I don't worry much anymore, i don't really get stressed, i just take things as they come. I've enjoyed living this way, it made life pleasant. I'd like it back. February flipped my world upside down, as it always seems to do. Spent what little money I had driving across the state of north carolina so i could see the ocean, learned a little bit about life, and then got kicked out of my apartment, the guy i was dating disappeared off the face of the earth, and my job is currently in serious peril. None of its as bad as it seems, but all of it keeps bothering me. I was ready to move anyway, i'd been half-heartedly trying to break up with that guy for weeks, and i really hate this job. Eh, what can you do. I think the worst part of it all is that i set myself up into this comfortable illusion and I'm realizing the plain truth of the matter and i'm not sure how to handle it. I feel directionless for the first time in a long time. I've always had a goal in sight. I may not have always been working towards that goal, but it was always there. Now I can't see it and it's really screwing with me. That and, as usual, I have a tendency to push away those around me. Right now I hardly get to see my Wildhorse friends, Ryan moved to the 'boro, I get to see Tom (the other guy i've been sorta dating) once a week if i'm lucky, and things are way to tense and weird at Belle Meade for me to even really want to talk to those people... And I desperately miss my friends from college. So, long story short, I'm lonely as all hell. I need a hobby. I took the job at Belle Meade because I thought it would get me back on the archaeology path. I mean, it's history, so it's close, right? And now I feel even farther away from where I want to be, hell, I don't even know where that is anymore. I've gained very little from this job, in fact, the only thing i've really learned is how to lecture at a large group of people. I just need something else to move on to. And I am bound and determined to find it, so look out adventure, here I come.
I know it's a normal whiny beth post, when aren't they? but i really have changed a lot. I am extremely confident in who i am. I'm not shy anymore. I don't worry over pointless things much anymore (except perhaps my lack of direction). I've been seeing the same guy for almost a year now (with a few others mixed in here and there... so yes, i'm still a nympho). And I really do try to celebrate every day, every moment. I felt the need to get on and write because I've been dreaming of Jessica, Jonathan, and Lachlann for well over a week now. I don't know how it sounds, but I really do miss you guys. I miss having people that understood me. That cared. Anyway, my phone number is still the same, my email is still the same, and I know you're all busy as hell, but if you ever get bored and want to drop a line or something, I'd love to know how things are going in the prosperous lives of the intelligent and well educated. And I don't screen my phone calls anymore either, figure that might be important.
shutting up now....
:)
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| I rock... |
[17 May 2008|10:40pm] |
Today I:
Had a conversation with the lead singer of Warrant, got in tight with the Naked Beggars (and was promised free stuff when they return as Cinderella), got to hear "Peaches" by the Presidents performed live, and was personally invited by Mark Slaughter to hang out backstage during the Warrant concert.
Not too shabby...
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[16 Apr 2008|12:06am] |
I think i'm drunk... finally... maybe...
Jesus. Where did it all go wrong? Where is it all going? I think it's whit who is pushing to make me a captain. Which means more responsibility at work. And sometimes it becomes a problem. Like today. Dante is a captain, sorta. Close enough to a captain. I walk in and whit tells me i'm in charge. Dante is the captain, but i'm in charge. now how the hell am i supposed to tell someone who is technically above me what to do? Things don't really work that way. and it's great that he wants me to be a captain and that he trusts me that much, but he never stopped to ask me if i wanted that responsibility. I don't know. or maybe he's just fucking with my head. He likes to do that. I think he gets off on it or something.
Speaking of which. I'm giving up on boys again. i don't ask for much, i really don't. I do my best to be extremely self-sufficient. I don't ask for gifts I don't ask for flowers, i rarely ask for help of any kind, so when i fucking ask for it, it would be nice to receive it. I have never had a boy not come to my rescue when i asked for it. Never! Even if they can't come they at least send help my direction, or they at least check with me later to make sure i'm okay. Like when i'm fucking stuck downtown with a flat tire and no way to change it because i don't have anything to get the lug nuts off with. So what the fuck? He'll offer to buy me a pack of cigarettes, but he won't come help me change a flat? I'm so mad about that. Do you know who came to my rescue, who was the only person to stop and help me? Some homeless guy and his wife. Everyone else i know is at work or lives far away, and still probably would have come if i had asked them, but the guy i'm fucking can't manage to get his ass in gear and come help me? This is what i get for going against my own good judgement and messing around with country boys. They're all talk and no action. Shouldn't have messed around with him in the first place. After the night that he sent me 5 text messages and 4 voicemails within 30 minutes, talking about the relationship that we didn't have and still don't. On top of that, we're trying to keep everything secret from everyone at work, but when he lives with his fucking boss, that makes things a little hard.
I just don't know. I've got to get out of this life before I end up living in nashville, being manager at the wildhorse, and being married to some country boy who'll buy me a pickup truck for my birthday. I'm so much better than this! I know i am. I miss having intellectual stimulation on a regular every day basis. I need it! I crave it! I've started reading my school books just to remember how it feels to think intelligently. To have theories, to have thoughts that may one day matter to society. To have fulfillment...
Fuck it. My alcohol is wearing off. I apologize for the language and the, i'm sure, several typos. Something has to change. And here i am, close to a huge promotion at work (which is really impressive since i haven't even worked there a complete year yet) and i have a guy (who makes a hell of a lot of money) who wants to have some kind of meaningful relationship, and all I can do is look up at the universe and ask, "is this the best you can give me?"...
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| and suddenly today it hit me..... |
[08 Jan 2008|03:44pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Back to Rotary this morning. It's nice to return to some stability at work. Maybe it's the beautiful day, or maybe it's the fact that my birthday is coming up and I'm trying to remember where the last year of my life went, but it hit me today. This sudden intense longing. Emotions that I have tried to keep separate from myself for a year rushed up to meet me as I set table settings. Would you believe me if I told you that there were just so many things I wanted to forget and now I would give many things just to have some of those things back? That strong desire to forget, to take a break kept me going for a while, then work took over as I started working 50 to 60 hour weeks with long nights and long days. Maybe that's another reason why everything is hitting me so hard right now, work isn't there to take my mind off things. Or maybe I just miss all of you. There's been a lot on my mind for a long time, but I can never stop myself thinking about the people I gave up for no reason that I can rationally explain to myself.
I don't know how to explain....
Seher told me today that I look like I'm 15. I, of course, don't believe her, but i think it has something to do with my hair. it's darker now than its been in a long time. She didn't even notice my hair, she thought it was something about my makeup. Unimportant. Saturday night, after work, a homeless man told me to never give up on my dreams. "There's lots of paths out there, baby girl, but you'll find the right one. Don't ever give up on your dreams no matter how hard life tries to keep you down." The irony is thick, but the message was kind. Maybe that helped bring this sudden rediscovery on. There's not much else going on. I'm trying to figure out how we're going to pay next months bills with work being so lousy lately. And i'm trying to find a way to get back into school. The future keeps taking weird turns, ones i never saw coming. I expected to be graduating this year, setting off to do some shovelbumming and making my way in the big wide world. Instead i'm working in downtown nashville, having conversations with strange homeless guys and doing some heavy flirting with a guy who, while he's not my boss, does sign off on my paycheck. I don't regret any choices I've made. I've enjoyed where I'm at. I like the people, I like the work, and i especially like the new experiences. It's a part of the world that I've never explored and I've grown in ways that i don't think i would have otherwise. I am nowhere near as shy. I have very little problems being blunt. And while I think I like people, as a group, even less than I did before, I don't have trouble dealing with them. I think part of today's concern was that while I am content with who I am now, i'm afraid that i gave up too many important things to get here. Ah well. Maybe i'll start a new drawing and think this one through; go soak up some sunshine while it's out there. I'm still solar-powered, that hasn't changed.
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[11 Dec 2006|04:40pm] |
You can tell you are back in Nashville when the drivers start trying to kill each other.
So, as a start to the Christmas season we made Santa Claus cry. Literally. Granted, he was my 8th grade teacher and he is, apparently, retiring, and the last time he saw all of us together was 1999. But yeah, we went to get our picture made with him and also let Beau tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas ("video games for mommy's computer"), and after taking the picture, Langley burst into tears and refused to stop hugging us. We held up the line for quite a while. It was touching, but very strange. I've never made Santa Claus cry before.
We also decorated the tree last night, which was fairly entertaining. My mom was actually in a good mood, but my dad definitely was not. We let Beau hang up the non-breakable ornaments, leaving somewhat of an uneven look to the tree, but it's cute. Living situations are still being worked on and the job search isn't going very well so far. And that's about it here. I'm going to try and clean some so maybe my dad will be in a better mood when he gets home.
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[06 Nov 2006|03:08pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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People seem to be missing the point today. Or maybe there's just something wrong with me.
We talked about (technically, were lectured on) the Wolf book in Cultural today. I was the only person who had any idea who Wolf was and what his book was about and since Yuklayen thinks I'm a grad student, I wasn't allowed to say anything. Nevertheless, I think he completely missed the point of the book. Yes, he did bring up some good points that were discussed in the book, but he completely neglected to even touch on some of the overall messages Wolf was trying to make. Previous to all that was an argument on the death penalty, which i won't even go into.
Then I talked to my mom and she just has no idea what is going on in anyone's reality but her own.
Then I went to my English discussion and we got into the debate of morals vs. art (while discussing Chaucer) and my TAs prime example was hip-hop. Yes, hip-hop is a good example, but not the best one and definately not the only one. And I think that using hip-hop as pretty much the only example completely sidetracked us from the actual argument.
Life is frustrating. People are frustrating. And I think I'm going to kill someone if I don't get a damn decent cup of coffee in the immediate future.
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[12 Oct 2006|02:33pm] |
I'm driving to Nashville. I'll be back, hopefully, on Sat. but it might be Sunday.
And that's about all for me.
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| Evolve Monstar! |
[10 Oct 2006|08:06pm] |
So... imagine there is this poemy type thing. It tells a story, a very complex story. And you have some slight background information on the story, such as who/what a few of the characters are and what is kinda going on at this point in the world. That's all you've got. Now, you have this poemy type thing that is the rest of the story so far, but the problem with it is that it is very meshed. Several different characters (good guys and bad guys) can all speak in the same verse, but there is not clear definition as to who is speaking or exactly what they are talking about or even exactly what is going on. So you have to try and figure out who is speaking and what is going on through word changes, tempo changes, wording, etc.
... but it promises to be a *very* good story if I could actually figure out what the hell is going on.
Anyway, in other news - 6 midterms down, one more to go tomorrow. Had an interesting weekend, but I won't go into that now. And I have every intention of fucking off for a while before I start studying again.
And that's all for me.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Would you run? Would you run?
Would you run down past the fence?
And she screamed,
'Claudio, dear Claudio!
I wish, goddammit, we'll make it if you believe!' (FBI!)"
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[06 Oct 2006|05:35pm] |
Figured I'd post an aliveness message. I'm off to do laundry and study. The best part is the laundry will be free, the place will be quiet and everything will be peaceful.
It is a beautiful outside. Yay! for beautiful days. Methinks I will sit on the porch swings while I study.
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[15 Sep 2006|01:40am] |
so i'm sitting here thinking that I have a million things I should be doing, but I could just go to sleep and do them tomorrow, but I have a million things I could be doing and why don't I just get up and do something. And then I wonder why I'm having this argument with myself when I don't actually have anything due tomorrow...
there is also a poem crashing into the concrete wall that is my brain, but it's just not getting through...
... therefore i think i will go to sleep.
yay! me!
:)
on another note, dinner tonight was lots of fun. coffee was also fun. and i need to buy batteries.
...
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[13 Sep 2006|05:00pm] |
Sometimes anthropology makes me want to bang my head against a wall. It makes me feel so intelligent and so ignorant all at the same time. Some of the things we are studying (mainly in Cultural) are so... misrepresented, I guess would be the word. One of the articles I am reading basically implies that Europe had no contact with Asia until about the 15th century. They're right next to each other! I realize they didn't have the transportation nor communication systems that we have today, but can anyone honestly say that in ancient times people were not in the least bit curious about peoples other than their own? Can anyone actually look at me with a straight face and tell me that prehistoric people and societies were completely static and unchanging? And that's not to mention the archaeological evidence. If Europe and Asia had little to no contact with each other until about the 15th century AD, then how the hell did a piece of chinese silk end up in a Celtic grave in France in about 600 BC? This isn't saying that some Celtic guy went all the way over to China, but it does show that there was interaction, there was movement.
The other brain-damaging issue I'm having at the moment is the switching between Cultural and Ethnohistory. You would think they would coincide, but they seem to be conflicting more often than not. I don't care what Dr. Etheridge says about not binding people, as humans we have to categorize, we have to label, there's really no way that we can't. I'm not saying I don't believe in interconnectedness, I do, read the previous paragraph, but we have to categorize, we have to otherize (in the beginning, at least), else our brains would explode from the immediate onset of an over-expanse of knowledge. If someone is going to take a class on the Navajo, you can, in the class or your own research, discuss the numerous, numerous ways in which the Navajo are connected to the wide world and always have been, but know where to start, you must first categorize them as the Navajo. And, on top of all of this, a fact that I felt was well pointed out in Cultural today, how can you not otherize people when they otherize themselves? How can you deem that there is no such thing as culture, no such things as society or tradition, when people categorize themselves by these things. I'm not saying that things like culture and tradition don't change, because the entire world is in a constant state of change, I'm just saying that they exist.
Now Archaeology? Archaeology I understand; archaeology I get. Dig in the dirt, find cool stuff, track the progression of earlier societies through their material goods, write papers. Fun and, for the most part, simplistic in theory. Thus the reason I am going to be an archaeologist and not a cultural anthropologist. That, and I prefer dead people over living - they don't get angry when I want to mess with their stuff or dig through their trash.
As a side note, I was talking with Yukleyen after class, and apparently most of the people in Cultural have not taken 101. Which might explain why when Yukleyen actually had to point out this morning that languages change because people change, I wanted to smack someone.
Also, I hate Geology. I like rocks, but I hate Geology.
The world is a 4-dimensional jigsaw puzzle and even if I lived forever, I don't think there will ever be enough time to acquire all of the knowledge I would need to put it together by myself.
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| wow, three posts in one day.... |
[08 Sep 2006|01:21am] |
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mood |
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 smeepy |
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So I'm making a scrying bowl as a gift for someone and i'm trying to think of something to write around the rim, but the only thing that keeps coming to mind is: "Eye of Thundera! Give me sight beyond sight!"
...perhaps it's bedtime.
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[07 Sep 2006|03:43pm] |
1 loaf of bread: $1.25
1 hammer: $1.00
1 glass bowl: $0.97
Dinner and entertainment: priceless
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[07 Sep 2006|02:29pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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I had this conversation with Jessica earlier, but I still felt the need to post it.
... Due to the fact that I honestly can't even keep the days straight, I am concerned about what if it all starts to run together. What if I'm trying to write an essay for an exam and suddenly I begin writing about Greek sculptures that were found in the Pacific Ring of Fire by cultural anthropologists who were there studying the thought processes of native indians as they tried to write a business charter.
... maybe I would at least get points for creativity :)
On another note, I have the Fields of Athenry stuck in my head. Very odd.
And now, I'm off to buy a hammer.
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[31 Aug 2006|01:31am] |
Yay! for big sentences!
"Boardman also believes that the kouros figure may have been an early manifestation of the later Greek attitude towards generalizing the concept of the ideal young man."
... homework is fun :)
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[19 Aug 2006|06:46pm] |
Yay! I'm in Oxford.
More later.
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[12 Aug 2006|04:25am] |
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God, I hate sleeping!
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[22 Jun 2006|01:32am] |
an alcoholic brother and a suicidal sister-in-law, both so consumed in their own problems that they're not paying any attention to the three year old on the couch. And all he can do is keep telling me that "daddy is talking and mommy is crying" because he has no idea how to handle it. And I have no clue what to do other than hold him and tell him it's going to be okay and that no matter what, aunt beth loves him.
we watched Chicken Little and played with cars. At one point my s.i.l. came in the room saying that my brother was going to cheat on her and then walk out on her and that it wasn't going to happen that way. I have no idea of the situation now, I left after the kid went to sleep.
My brother is turning 25 today. And I am going out on the balcony to drink.
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